“I'm not finished! As I came in here, I heard those words...cradle of leadership. Well, when the bough breaks, the cradle will fall. And it has fallen here, it has fallen! Makers of men, creators of leaders, be careful what kind of leaders you're producing here. I don't know if Charlie's silence here today is right or wrong; I'm no judge or jury. But I can tell you this; he won't sell anybody out to buy his future! And that, my friends, is called integrity. That's called courage. Now that's the stuff leaders should be made of. Now I have come to the crossroads in my life. I always knew what the right path was. Without exception, I knew. But I never took it. You know why? It was too damn hard. Now here's Charlie; he's come to the crossroads. He has chosen a path. It's the right path. It's a path made of principle, that leads to character. Let him continue on his journey. You hold this boy's future in your hands, committee! It's a valuable future. Believe me! Don't destroy it...protect it...embrace it. It's gonna make you proud one day...I promise you.”
This is a quote from one of my favorite movies “The scent of a woman”.
I particularly like those lines in bold which I feel is ringing louder than ever before in our society. Today, as we hear disgruntling noises from people about our country losing its culture, of our country succumbing to the economic recession…etc, I cant help thinking whether we are facing issues bigger than that. For instance as we fast turn into a consumerist society trampling over each other in the mad race to have the better job or the bigger house or the fancier car, we sometimes unknowingly break those very path mentioned in the quote above…the path of principles.
Its hard to notice that we are even breaking a few of em because some of them have blurred the lines of what’s wrong and what’s right.. Now we have certain principles that can be broken and yet acceptable because they are of a lesser crime… Like the fake bills many folks submit for reimbursement in your companies or fictional expenses mentioned for tax filing. Recently I met one guy who did that without as much a pinch of guilt about it.. And when I expressed disappointment though not verbally but in those intentional...uh’s and oh’s…He ridiculed me that I was afraid !! Yes, I am afraid of doing something like that, but more than that I hold it as a dear principle not to do something like that…There is the clichéd reasoning ‘everyone does it!!’.
When I was a kid, I used to lie as much as a normal teenager would do…I lied about my scores in school…I lied about my expenses for the extra money…and I have been caught as many times too…You know with the kind of maturity I had those days, I wondered then...’What’s the big deal about a little lie…’. But then every time I was caught I remember the look on my mom’s face when she was evidently sad about what I did… Sure. I did not care a hoot about lying those days… But as I grew older I knew somewhere that something was wrong…I was afraid of falling into a vicious trap of lying and again lying to cover it up….of cheating and again cheating to cover the little cheat…
‘Everyone does it’
hmm… the alibi which never fails and a self assuring reasoning everyone says before doing a wrong… When you or me guffaw at the state of affairs…of the financial scams…probably it is imperative for us to think of how principled are we about the little things before we point fingers at the bigger ones..
It would be prudent to realize that what we are facing now is a recession in the conscience levels of society….where values of integrity..honesty...and principles are dimnishing each day...And there is no one coming out with a bailout package for that coz you are the one who has to pull yourself out!
I often come across inspiring images…thoughts...or words, but it is nothing like when you actually see something so moving…
Today I happened to see this guy who was quite drunk I should say sitting on the road side…He was talking to himself and pretty much lost in himself…He is one among the homeless Europeans…ironic isn’t it…
He was a half legged man and the cowboy hat just a pretence..
Another guy comes near him and tries to pick his guitar…But he gets really angry and it almost begins into a fight... They begin shouting at each other..I dont understand anything though.
The other guy was a bit drunk too…I guess…But he was in his senses…
Whereas this bearded guy was all shouting and flinging his stuff away…They talked for a few minutes and the other guy put the cowboy hat which was thrown during the hullaboo back on this guy's head…During the anger the half legged man had fell on the foot path…
That’s when I felt I should come out and along with the other guy lifted him up and made him sit where you see in in the pic …
Later I came to know that they were friends…and probably in the same boat in the uncaring world…He was just another man with only one hand who wanted to just hold the guitar owned by his half legged friend…
And when the one- hand man put the hat back on the other guys head…they looked at each other..and there was peace…
I am a Christian…to be precise catholic.
I am a christian not just by birth but as a believer in the essence of christianity. But unlike most other “christians” you see, I follow alternative christianity of my own. That doesn’t mean I follow a “Church of XYZ”or some faith group or a secret Jesus society. I simply have my own interpretation of being a righteous christian. For non-christians what you think of as a righteous man is same as a righteous christian would be.
Why?
I am fed up with the stereotyped people I see around... I know many regular church goers even close friends and relatives who miss the whole point of being a christian. There are too many psuedo’s out there who makes me ponder why.
After listening to a sermon in which the Lord asks us to help others unselfishly, I see folks just out of the church doing exactly the opposite things in their routine lives.. Why do people who say Amen to the all the good things told in the church become complete different people when they are out? People who advocate forgiveness and love are selective and discriminatory about whom they could forgive or love…Sad people we are.
Agreed being selfish is a trait which we were born with but something which we could negate by doing selfless deeds .Of course not getting angry maybe humanely impossible but asking forgiveness is still an option out there. You will give money to your relation when he needs it but what about giving it to some poor man whom you never gonna meet again? At times I even wonder whether our priests have forgotten the language of love and sacrifice, they seem more to speak in donations and funds.
Last week I met a girl who asked me why I don’t join them at a place where they have a sermon for young people...She said I ll enjoy being there with lively music and lots of fun. I would have succumbed to such an offer a few years ago..
I agree that we have to praise lord and thank him for all the good things he has done for us…But I also believe that there are better ways to do that than huddle in a group and keep singing all day...What’s the whole point if you can’t do anything for real but just sing a few hymns?
I am seeing too many pseudos in everyday life…Guys who pretend to be fair and trying to justify their wrong doings. Whom are they trying to prove with all the rhetoric?
It was funny last week when one visitor at the missionaries of charity asked one of the sisters...
“Do you do counseling for the people who come here?”
People don’t realize that these sisters are not professional counselors...the only thing they know is to feed the poor…heal the sick… love unconditionally. Something that most people don’t know how …
I look up to them to understand and strengthen my faith. True Christianity is not about getting other people converted to the faith…True Christianity is not about shouting out loud that we are the blessed and chosen…True Christianity is not about just visiting the church coz everyone does.
Few weeks ago I got a very valuable gift from the sister’s…A small card with a prayer of Mother Teresa and a tiny piece of her cloth pinned to it. Apparently the sister’s told me that they have limited number of these cards with pieces of Mother’s belongings (her clothes) pinned to it as a reminder of her selfless deeds. They give these cards to only few people. And that day when I got one of those I felt so special for being considered as one of them.
As a kid, I always looked forward to my birthday. The day when you are sure no one gonna scold you and everyone would sport best of their affectionate persona. And in college it was just another day to hangout with friends and make merry as wannabe rebels...Now when another of those days beckons me it suddenly hits me… the meaning of the words… “Growing older”.
The age when you have to make choices.... an awful lot of choices!
To choose the job you want to stick too...To choose the passions you want to pursue…and to find a girl as a life partner! Big decisions that you can’t decide like the movie you had to choose in a twelve-screen multiplex.
I mean these decisions are momentous that at times I deliberately try to divert myself from such thoughts. Probably it is the fear of not making the right choices or moves that perturbs me in this chessboard of life! It is funny how hard I try these days to keep minds off from such matters they keep coming back…as if my heart seems to be cross with the brain and doesn’t seem to allow procrastination of any sorts.
As one gets older you can’t help notice the changes happening around you... Friends many of whom who went where the tide took them...Some got married...Some had kids...Some stayed single for a reason...Some quit jobs…But, most of them seem to have crossed the barricade of decision-making which I find difficult to do.
May be it’s my behavioral trait of being an instinctive person that doesn’t give me the luxury to introspect too hard. I don’t know whether you have heard about it, the simple child’s trick when confused to take decisions by tossing the coin. But the split second before you open the hand you already know which side of the coin you want to see…
Going by that, I know that I want to quit my job and do something afresh…I know I want to find a life partner and all that…So it was not the confusion which holds me back, but the fear …the fear of losing...of making wrong decisions. I know that I need to take that plunge that we later comfort as our own kismet…
I guess, I am like the psychiatrist who knows to advice others but doesn’t know what do with his own life. My thoughts wander to my parents now. They worked hard and gave me a good life…and now they are near retirement...Sometimes it makes me wonder what is the motivation for retirees who one fine day have an extra 10 hours every day in their life...its like a day is suddenly 34 hours long...
Ironic that during career phase we crib about the luxuries of retirement, which looks scary for me now…Objectives change all of a sudden and businesses get personal in nature. To get their children married and after a few years enjoy looking after their grandchildren which would rekindle the memories of their own past. I know deep in my heart when Dad gives that ultimatum for me that I should be married by next year, it his fear of his post retirement hollowness and aging and ofcoz his anxiety to see me settled…Its funny how we basically think alike in many aspects in spite of lot of difference in the nature on the blanket level…
However such thoughts and wavering introspective jaunts help me to freshen up perspectives…At times, I used to wonder whether am a loser...why do I have to think like this in the first place…My mind never wandered like this before…maybe in college with friends around you…parents around you...I did not have a reason to think...Maybe its living in a place so far from friends…where the so called friends are mere acquaintances or talking mannequins with whom I don’t feel like having an frank talk…and I stay online hoping for friends to come online to chat over sometime...But now I think however the circumstances that make me think like this, it has given me a reason to move forward. As a kid I thought I ll learn everything when I get older...But here I end up with questions…questions whose answers I cant ask anyone…but myself!!
Now that I know few of the answers I think now I can give a sigh...it feels like a whiff of fresh air that gives me the much need conviction and strength…god willing…To move forward in life…
As Dr.Crane took inspiration in Frasier from the Tennyson poem, I do the same….
It may be that the gulfs will wash us down:
It may be we shall touch the Happy Isles,
And see the great Achilles, whom we knew.
Tho’ much is taken, much abides; and tho’
We are not now that strength which in old days
Moved earth and heaven; that which we are, we are;
One equal temper of heroic hearts,
Made weak by time and fate, but strong in will
To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield
That is an often overused quip…I think it falls in the category of “comfort quotes” or “denial quotes” which we use generously when things don’t go our way. If it was just a piece of paper it wouldn’t have caused deaths, wars and hate in this world.
Few incidents over the past few months made me rethink about money…how the seemingly “trivial piece of paper” influence me.
Everyone spends money for themselves...for parents...to build up savings... donate to charities…pay up taxes. These happen on a regular basis and become routine affairs for most of us. But then we spend money once in a while for reasons intentional or un-intentional, reasons unplanned for!
The incident that triggered me to think about it was a mail from a friend of mine asking me to lend money…Quite a huge amount and apparently wouldn’t pay me back until he finished his studies...He is a friend whom I got to interact with for 8-9 months occasionally over a beer and was more like a acquaintance of a much closer college buddy…No reasons not to lend money till now..
He needs the money because he was suspended from his hostel for boozing in his room against college rules. And the fact that he is not exactly like one of my closest buddies and an imaginary image of a bad track record was creating a mental block about lending him the money. It is all imaginary questions haunting me like why is he not asking some of his closer buddies and rather asking an acquaintance. On the other hand if he thought I was someone whom he could count on for help, it would have been selfish of me in letting him down. I am someone who believes that every man is inherently good and I hope is the same with him. Inspite of not being fully willing about the whole lending thing, I am sending him the money based on my faith in the goodness of a person.
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I have two cousin sisters… They we sort of the real life dolls for older cousins including me when we were kids…basically we loved them to bits and enjoyed being the big bro.
From mom I knew that they had a kudukka (piggy bank), which they diligently filled for a big reason. They wanted to buy a computer.
Sometime back the Kudukka was full, and they had to break it open and counted patiently the 1000 bucks....mm…PC’s are still not that dirt cheap!!
My younger cousin sis Tessa has a speech disability (she is getting better by the day though)... Though they are big brats at home ,I love how her protective sister tries to shield her from girl bullies in school who might be making fun of her…I feel at home staying with them during my trips to Bangalore ..It’s a small happy family along with my grandmother...After thinking about the Kudukka story; I told home that I wanted to buy a PC for them. I was so glad that dad did not think I was spending money heedlessly…
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Five months ago, I was travelling late in a metro. New years eve…and around 12:30 am…the coach was almost empty…Just an old man with a trolley pushing around and taking empty beer bottles from the trash cans so that he could sell them off next morning. I think I get easily moved by such sights...Instinctive it was when I dug 50 euro’s from my pocket and gave it to him while my station approached…I wanted to give him that money because I was just on the way back from a amazing Christmas vacation myself and found it ironic that everyone in the world doesn’t have a vacation...He declined to accept at first…But I told him it was a new year gift which he couldn’t deny and to go spend the night at home with loved ones ... I haven’t told about this to anyone till now…But later when I thought about it , I was wondering how I never felt a loss while giving away 50 euro’s just like that, which was quite a decent amount …Literally I didn’t feel my wallet go lighter!
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You must be wondering why I have mentioned the three incidents…
All the three incidents had just one thing in common…
I was spending money.
But the emotional balance receipt in all three cases felt different!!
A few weeks later I was attending a malayalee get together. It was more a prayer session followed by small tea.
Place. Missionaries of charity.
I must say I was a big rooter of Mother Teresa. Like everyone I had joined the orkut community, which had 30000 fans of Mother Teresa. I was in the sea of people who admired the Mother...well nothing more than that! Mention in casual conversations that the Mother was a great person and the other person would agree to it…We ended up agreeing to what everyone agreed.
That day I met these nuns for the first time in real…They were different from the regular nuns I have seen before. Am not talking about the dress. I don’t exactly know how they were different, maybe the grace they radiated...One of the attendees in that small tea party mentioned that the nuns serve free food for poor in the weekends. Like anyone I said…
”Oh...wow...that is very noble of them”
Once I have quipped that obligatory comment, my job is done…isn’t!
Before I left the place that evening one of the nun’s suggested me to drop there sometime…and I said…
”YES…sure”
The kind of yes which says “ofcoz ...NO”
Few weeks passed by…usual sunday afternoon lunch and naps...waking up at 6 for a coffee…blissfully lazy.
But then I don’t know how it started. I think I got that thanks for the payment letter from CRY...That letter infact hurt me…I have paid for CRY and get a tax exemption and that is my noble contribution to helping others….wowow...Great job boy!
The next week I visited the MOC home, skipping my routine Sunday nap…
And I knocked the door. One sister opened the door and I hesitantly said…
”I have come here for help”
She just went inside and gave me an apron. I was told to serve ice tea to the people inside a big hall at the home…I expected to see poor people there…But the sudden sea of beggars…prostitutes…dirty smelly people...drunk...psychic freaks and an air as filthy as it could it be…it simply overwhelmed me.
That day I was told only to serve water. At end of the day when I left the place, the sisters said
“Thanks for coming”
I felt a 1000 thousands happier that day than any regular Sunday I could remember of.
Gradually over the last year I got to know all the nuns there…the mother superior who was an Indian...the sweet polish nun named Vimala...a German nun who always forgot I didn’t knew deutsch...a mallu volunteer uncle...a few other guys who later I came to know were people who were themselves living in the streets...
Working with them I have learned how to make iced tea.... how to serve food for 300 people in 4 hours…75 in each round…wash their plates, knives and forks, glasses in an orchestrated manner…and more importantly, to love the people who come there and not to feel pity for them…
I see there…
Really poor and hungry people…
People who lost all money boozing on the day before…
Ex-prostitutes coz they don’t have any income now…
People who lost their jobs for some crime they did and now in the streets…They speak to me in polished English which makes me wonder how could they possibly not get a new job.
Some who are regulars…
A mentally challenged guy who needs to be drenched in cold water always, since he thinks it is horrible hot even if its 10 degrees.
An apooppan with the most innocent smile I have ever seen…
A Turkish lady who comes with her two mentally challenged kids…
An ex-prostitute who loves cracking a joke or two. I remember a quip she made. Normally we provide the glasses during the meal, but she always carries her own cup…
That day in a very royal demeanor...”Hey baby…how do you do? This cup I bought from my last vacation in Mexico…” I loved her sense of humour and her apparent dig at herself.
A half legged man who would join us in passing on the plates while the serving happens…
Of the people who work with us…
The tireless sisters who sacrificed entire lifetimes for a cause.
Some kids who are actually made to work there by the police as corrective measures for some juvenile crimes…
A mallu uncle and few German volunteers
Some students who are pursuing studies in social work…
I have been going to this heaven on earth for about a year and I must say, It has given me immense joy to be part of it…I love how loving the people can be...The funny way few diners say thank you after the lunch to make us feel good…This Easter I loved how the sister made it extra special… The usually bare table changed to table clothes…colorful tissues...Easter eggs...apples…oranges...Easter bunnies…candles…arranged cutlery. Usually we go around serving the second round carrying huge vessels in a hurried manner to save time. This time we were pleasantly playing the roles of restaurant waiters and giving them the best possible classic service in our little ways…barbequed chickens…salads...desserts...and special Easter gifts...we even had a guy playing violin during the dinner. The scene and the feel is which I can’t describe in words...It felt like dining in the Ritz but with a million times more joy floating in the air…
That Easter that sister gave me one of the chocolate packs as Easter gift…I value that chocolate pack more than the Lindt chocolates which I had eaten earlier in the day…It takes 20 minutes for me to reach home. I don’t remember a Sunday has gone by without me smiling along the ride however tiring the day was… I have learned to love people unconditionally...to help people out of love and not obligation…to feel the true spirit of being a Christian.
I am 25 and half way through in the rush to reach the next number, which will be after all just another number…I never was startled the day I reached 25. But in non-cricketing terms, 25 is like a half century…and a century is when you hit 50...confused eh…The whole point is once you reach 25 you are no longer eligible for those youth passes and other such privileges…This is the age when you look back and say...”wow…what freaking thing did I achieve in the past 25 years…what freaking time I have to achieve …something which I myself don’t know”. Weren’t you supposed to achieve something all these years...?
I hate to think too much…I hate to make my brain work hard…But then there are some questions whose answers are to be found however undesirably confusing it is…In IT industry the dream of most newbie’s are getting a onsite chance…We apply for visas for which we submit resumes…the visa officer grants us the visa which takes you to the far far away land which you craved for…
But if we extrapolate the whole thing in the larger context of life...the onsite is some place called heaven probably somewhere 20 000 feet above Mount Everest…It should be quite a fun place…country music…and nice wine... Our resumes are how we performed in offshore with fellow humans…We have our own visa officers…My favorite is St Peter and I have many friends who rely on Yamadev as well…But then the whole point is about having a good resume if otherwise the chances of your applications getting rejected are quite high…
You may not get that elusive onsite chance…or maybe there isn’t any onsite at all... or maybe your resume might be rejected for some reason…for some reason you don’t know…
But all that I want to do now is to write an honest resume for myself…A resume which is free of pretences and which is honest to my conscience.
